


keep me under lock and key

by sentientaltype



Category: Survivor (US TV) RPF
Genre: 4+1, F/F, One Shot, i freaking love these two so here's this, i love reading 4+1s so i wanted to try one, set post s16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23247991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentientaltype/pseuds/sentientaltype
Summary: four times Parvati tried and failed to fix things, and one time it all worked out.
Relationships: Amanda Kimmel & Parvati Shallow
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	keep me under lock and key

“She’s bitter that you won. Point blank.”

“No, she’s not. I can tell it’s more than that.”

Parvati sat next to Natalie at the bar of an L.A. club, one Parvati had never been to. The music was too loud, she was tired and wanted to go home. 

She didn’t want to go out in the first place, but Natalie insisted, so she came, and wound up talking about the absolute last thing she wanted to talk about. But Natalie was nosy and could go on and on with gossip, so Parvati indulged her. 

“Okay then, Einstein, since you’re the Amanda Kimmel expert, why do  _ you  _ think she’s ignoring you?” Natalie said, tone mocking. 

“I mean, it was her second loss in a row, which definitely doesn’t help,” Parvati started. “James told me that she dumped Ozzy like, the day after the reunion.”

“Wait, for real? After all that?” Natalie’s eyebrows rose at the revelation. 

“You’re surprised?” Parvati scoffed. “Ozzy is a complete tool. She deserves better.” Before Parvati could correct herself, Natalie pounced on the opportunity. 

“Oh really?” Natalie said with a smirk. “And who exactly would be better for her?”

Parvati stayed silent. What was there to say?  _ Me. I would be better for her. But she won’t even look at me, let alone date me.  _

Her attempts to reach out to Amanda in the month following the reunion were futile; calls were sent straight to voicemail, Instagram messages left unanswered, and she wasn’t even answering her door. 

“Have you tried to call her?” Natalie asked. 

“Have I tried to call her?” Parvati replied, incredulous. The pounding bass was giving her a headache and Natalie’s propensity for imbecilic questions was wearing her patience even thinner than usual. “Of fucking course I’ve tried to call her. I’ve called, texted, sent her DMs on Twitter, messaged her on Facebook. I even had James go to her house and she didn’t answer the door, not even for him. So yes, I’ve tried to call her, and she hasn’t fucking answered.” 

“Damn, okay,” Natalie threw her hands up in defense. “Sorry for asking.”

“It’s… I’m sorry for snapping at you,” Parvati sighed, resting her forehead in her hands with her elbows resting against the bar. “I’m frustrated, but I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”

“So if she’s not mad that you beat her, why isn’t she talking to you?” Natalie asked.

Parvati pondered the question for a moment. Why  _ wasn’t  _ Amanda talking to her? Parvati had a few theories. Maybe Amanda was offended by something Parvati said at the reunion, but she couldn’t fathom what it could have been. Or maybe Amanda blamed her for the failure of her relationship with Ozzy. But no matter which way Parvati spun it, she couldn’t make sense of the younger woman’s motives for disappearing. 

“I don’t know,” Parvati replied, head unmoving from its spot in her hands. 

“Well maybe you should try going to her place,” Natalie suggested.  
“No fucking way,” Parvati said immediately, head shooting up. “Besides, if she wouldn’t answer the door for James, why on Earth would she answer it for me?”

Natalie’s expression needed no verbal accompaniment.  _ Because it’s me.  _

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to.” Parvati’s body was growing heavy with inebriation, slowing her thoughts and movements. “Maybe I should go over there.”

“Not right now,” Natalie grabbed hold of Parvati’s arm. “But yeah, you should. Knock on that bitch’s door, and don’t leave until she opens it. Even if you have to keep going back.”

“Fine,” Parvati sighed and took a long sip of her scotch. “But if this goes south, I’m blaming you.” 

***

On yet another rainy day in L.A, about a week after clubbing with Natalie, Parvati decided to take her friend’s advice. She dragged her feet all the way to her Audi before starting the engine and making her way onto the road, the rhythmic sound of the windshield wipers calming her bubbling nerves. 

Parvati had been to Amanda’s place a few times after filming, so it was easy for her to recognize the white brick townhouse in Larchmont with the bright green door. Parvati parked next to Amanda’s Jeep, drawing in a quick breath before stepping out of the car. 

The rain came down with a vengeance, soaking Parvati’s clothes almost immediately. She rushed to stand under Amanda’s porch, hesitating to knock. Once a shiver ran through her body, though, Parvati finally forced herself to rap against the door a few times, loud enough to get the younger woman’s attention within the house. 

She stood and waited for a few seconds before knocking again. Parvati hoped that Amanda would come to the door without checking who it was, so she’d have a chance to catch her off-guard. 

“Amanda?” Parvati called, leaning a shoulder against the door. “It’s Parvati. Look, I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from right now, but I’m worried about you, so I just wanted to-”

Parvati stopped in her tracks when she saw a fleeting figure in the window out of the corner of her eye, a shadow behind the curtain.  _ She’s near the door.  _

“AK, I know you can hear me,” Parvati tried again, the nickname slipping out, though it was created wherein Amanda and Parvati trusted each other. “Come on, just open the door so we can talk.” 

Parvati spotted movement again and gasped, anticipating the door swinging open at any moment. Waiting to be greeted with Amanda’s face, smile or scowl.

A gust of wind blew straight through Parvati, chilling her to the bone. When she looked to the window again, Amanda was gone. Beneath the sounds of rain and cars driving on wet pavement, Parvati swore she heard footsteps padding up the stairs. 

“Fuck this,” Parvati grumbled to herself, striding back to her car and slumping into her seat. She rested her head on the steering wheel, thinking  _ of course she wouldn’t answer, how could I be so stupid, I should have never come here.  _

But as she sat up and started her car, cranking the heat to stop her continuous shivering, Parvati saw a light turn on in a room on the second floor and a crack in the blinds.  _ She’s watching me.  _ Parvati stared right back, even though she couldn’t quite make out Amanda’s eyes. 

_ I’ll be back _ , she told herself.  _ How could I not come back? _

***

It took Parvati two weeks and several pep talks from Natalie to work up the courage to go over to Amanda’s place again. She had felt such deep embarrassment, knowing that Amanda had seen and likely heard her but still chose to ignore her attempts to heal their relationship. 

What had begun as a dull throb in Parvati’s heart, the way one misses a friend, had since grown into a sharp pain every time Amanda crossed her mind. Parvati would waste hours of her day thinking wistfully about their deep run in the game, the Final Two breakfast, the look in Amanda’s eyes as she watched Parvati burn the shelter down. 

Two weeks later, Parvati found herself pulling into Amanda’s driveway again, this time on a beautiful June day. As she stepped out of the car, Parvati noticed a blue bike leaning against the wall, rust covering the metal handlebar, as though it had been left out in the rain one too many times. Parvati strode up to the door but hesitated in front of the painted green wood longer than she had the first time. Her chest seized with fear, terrified of being rejected once again. 

Parvati drew in a slow, deep breath before releasing it and knocking sharply on the door. She heard a clatter from within the house, followed by a voice she failed to recognize, seemingly shouting. 

Then, Parvati heard a voice she  _ did  _ recognize. 

“You don’t get to decide how I react to this!”  _ Amanda _ . 

It was a marvel to hear the woman’s voice, but Parvati was pained by its sharp and gravelly tone. She could tell the younger woman had done a lot of yelling recently. She pressed her ear against the door to better hear the conversation occuring inside. 

“You’re being childish. You’ll never heal that way. What you need is-”

“You don’t know what I need!” 

Parvati flinched at the sound of a door slamming, before thundering footsteps grew louder and louder until-

“Shit!” Parvati exclaimed as the front door she’d been leaning against swung open.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I-” a woman began to say before Parvati stood up straight again. “Wait, Parvati?”

“Katrina?” Parvati said, getting a good look at the woman she’d seen so briefly while filming  _ Micronesia.  _

Katrina stepped out of the house before pulling the door shut behind her. 

“What are you doing here?” Katrina asked. 

Parvati feared that Amanda’s sister would be as angry with her as Amanda was, but the woman’s expression seemed soft and genuinely curious.

“I, um… I’ve been trying to get Amanda to talk to me,” Parvati explained. “I tried calling, texting, social media, but she didn't answer. So I tried coming here, but she didn’t answer the door either.”

“So she didn’t come to the door, and you still came a second time?” Katrina questioned. 

“Uh, yeah,” Parvati replied, mindlessly picking at her cuticles. “I think I’ll keep coming until she answers.”

“Well, good.” Katrina nodded. “I can’t get through to her, so maybe you can.”

“Yeah, right,” Parvati scoffed. “How can I get through to her when she won’t even talk to me?”

“Amanda is a wonderful person,” Katrina said. “But sometimes, she has a tendency to see the worst in people, and she’ll start to convince herself there’s no way anyone could care about her. Just… keep showing her you care. Don’t give up on her.”

There were times when Parvati felt embarrassed and ashamed of how much she came to love and care for Amanda in such a short time, but there was never a time where Parvati came close to giving up on her. 

“I won’t,” Parvati replied. “I promise.”

Katrina nodded and stepped past Parvati, slinging one leg over the rusty bike and pedaling off without another word. 

Parvati watched Amanda’s sister bike down the sidewalk before turning to the door. She almost knocked again, but decided against it.

The whole way home, Parvati’s mind conjured images of Amanda crying in her room, feeling isolated, alone and like a failure. She thought of Amanda screaming at no one, breaking dishes and smashing vases for some sort of gratification, to no avail. Then, Parvati thought about the way Amanda would gaze at her while she washed dishes on the beach, expression unreadable save for a hint of longing. The way Parvati would fall asleep with Amanda’s arm slung heavy over her torso, keeping her warm and anchored to the world. All the stolen glances, the rewards, the time in the ocean, the touches in the shelter at night. 

It was then that Parvati came up with an answer to Natalie’s question: “Why isn’t she talking to you?”

_ She’s not ignoring me because I beat her,  _ Parvati thought.  _ She’s ignoring me because she has feelings for me.  _

***

June went as quickly as it came for Parvati, in a blur of press days and yoga classes. As the summer pressed on, Parvati grew weary under the sweltering heat, which she combated by staying in her air-conditioned apartment. Natalie came over often, with futile attempts to get Parvati out and about to do something not related to work. Parvati was grateful for her friend, but it wasn’t enough. It would never be. 

“What’s on your mind?” Natalie asked, peering into Parvati’s fridge before selecting a beer. 

Parvati just shrugged from her spot on the couch, sprawled out with  _ China  _ on her TV. Natalie flopped down next to her, partially sitting on Parvati’s legs. 

“Ow!” Parvati exclaimed. “Get off, you’re so annoying.” She pushed at her best friend’s torso, trying to shove her off to no avail. 

“Why on Earth are you watching this, Parv?” Natalie groaned. “You’re gonna drive yourself crazy.”

“I already  _ am  _ crazy,” Parvati replies, yanking her legs out from under Natalie and curling into a fetal position, eyes trained on the TV as she watched Amanda and Todd talk strategy. “Besides, it’s a good season. I’m watching it for Todd.”

“And I like men,” Natalie shot back, sarcasm dripping from her words. “Have you been back to her house lately?”

“Not since I ran into her sister.”

“Who told you not to give up on her,” Natalie finished for her. 

Parvati sat up so abruptly that she felt blood rushing through her head. Sometimes, Natalie knew no boundaries, and it drove Parvati insane. 

“Why should it be my responsibility to give up or not?” Parvati huffed. “ _ She’s  _ the one who won’t talk to me. What’s the point? It’s hopeless.”

“I think you should keep trying,” Natalie replied, prompting an eye roll. “Go down there right now.”

“What? No!” Parvati exclaimed. “I- No. I can’t.”

“Why not? All you’re doing is laying here, growing into your couch and letting your mind run rampant thinking about Amanda.” Natalie stood up from the couch, grabbing her purse from where it hung off the barstool. “What do you need? Gas money?”

“Shut up,” Parvati said. “I’m not going.”

“I’m not leaving until you promise to go right now,” Natalie replied, arms crossing over her chest. “Come on, chop chop. Get changed, and grab your keys.”

Parvati locked eyes with her best friend, whose gaze was stern and deadly serious. Natalie was not one to back down, so Parvati knew she would be paying a visit to the Amanda Kimmel residence yet again. 

“Fine!” Parvati threw her hands up in defeat. “You’re the worst.”

“You’ll thank me later,” Natalie said with a beaming smile. “Text me when you get there.”

Natalie let herself out, leaving Parvati alone with Jeff Probst’s challenge narration playing in the background. 

She forced herself to stare down her closet, yanking on a pair of jean shorts and leaving the black t-shirt she put on after yoga. Parvati took one last look at the TV, where Amanda was finishing her disc puzzle to win Immunity. She shook her head, grabbing her keys off the hook by her front door and making her way to the parking garage. 

The route to Amanda’s house from her apartment complex was quickly becoming familiar to Parvati. The liquor store a few blocks from the townhouse triggered Parvati’s nerves as soon as she spotted it, stomach churning as she approached the dreaded destination.

When Parvati signaled her intent to turn into the driveway, though, she noticed it was empty. Amanda’s Jeep was nowhere to be found, but Parvati came all this way, she figured there was no harm in waiting. Parvati parked her convertible, leaving enough room on the right for Amanda to pull in, before getting out and taking a seat on the front step. 

Parvati watched car after car zip down Melrose, the early summer sun beating down on her legs where they stuck out from the shade of Amanda’s porch roof. She could have gone back in her car and waited in there, or she could have gone home, but Parvati didn’t want to risk losing a chance to catch the younger woman off guard, when she least expected it. 

The crunching of gravel broke Parvati out of her trance, head shooting up from the pebble she’d been fixating on to find Amanda’s car half-pulled into the driveway. Parvati stood up so fast she feared passing out, and she caught a look of the woman who’s been living rent-free in her mind for the past eight months. 

Amanda, tall and beautiful and bright-eyed as always, behind the wheel of her Jeep, looking straight at Parvati. Their eyes locked for a moment, and Parvati softened her features as much as possible, as though the taller woman was a small child who would run at the first sight of confrontation. 

As quick as she came, Amanda maneuvered the vehicle to pull back out of the driveway. 

“Amanda, stop!” Parvati yelled, moving towards the car.

Amanda swung recklessly back onto the road, careening down the street and out of sight. 

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Parvati grumbled to herself, threading a hand through her hair and tugging at the roots in frustration.  _ I can’t believe she just drove away as soon as she saw me. Is she really that adamant about not talking to me? _

Before she could think, Parvati fished her phone out of her pocket and dialed Amanda’s number. 

“ _ Hey, it’s Amanda Kimmel. Sorry I missed ya. Leave a message and I’ll listen to it, ignore your call and text you instead. _ ”

Parvati grunted in irritation, even though she had been anticipating the voicemail message that had become familiar in her many calls to Amanda. Then came the beep. 

“Amanda, this… I can’t take this anymore,” Parvati said, voice wavering with emotion. “You- I don’t know what I did to make you hate me so much, I never…” She was at a loss for words, struggling to articulate just how sad, just how frustrated, just how  _ heartbroken  _ the ordeal had made her. “The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. Please, just… talk to me.”

Parvati hung up, slowly trudging her way back to the car, and only once inside did she let herself break down into a crying mess. Her head leaned against the steering wheel as she cried, gasps racking her body. It took another few minutes before Parvati collected herself enough to drive home, empty-handed once again. She thought about being angry at Natalie, taking her frustration out on the person who pushed her to see Amanda again. But she knew, deep down, that Natalie was right.  _ I can’t just let this go.  _

Once she parked in the underground garage, Parvati grabbed her phone to type out a message, the latest in a long string of unanswered texts. 

_ I’m not giving up on you. You’re too important to me. _

***

“Hey, can I borrow your phone for a second?” Natalie asked. 

Parvati fished her phone out of her pocket and tossed it to Natalie, who sat on the arm of the couch while Parvati laid across it. 

“What do you need it for?” Parvati sat up as she watched her best friend walk into the kitchen with the phone up to her ear. “Nat, what are you doing?”

“Amanda, it’s Natalie.”

Parvati shot up from the couch before sprinting into the kitchen and attempting to grab the phone out of Natalie’s hands. 

“I’m a little biased, but I think you should talk to Parv,” she said, fending off Parvati’s grabbing hands. “She’s killing herself over this. Can’t even enjoy the win. She needs you.”

“Nat, stop!” Parvati shouted. She pushed hard at Natalie’s torso, backing her into the counter. 

“I’m running short on time, so I’ll just say that she’s completely head over heels in love with you,” Natalie said, voice strained as Parvati sent punch after punch into her arms. “Okay, gotta go, bye!”

“Natalie, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Parvati shouted, snatching the phone out of Natalie’s hand. 

“I’m helping you,” she shrugged. “Maybe that’ll kick one of your asses into high gear.”

Parvati began spinning all the possible ways Amanda could react to her friend’s manipulative voicemail. The last thing she wanted to do was scare Amanda away, sending her running even further than she already was. 

“I have to go over there,” Parvati concluded. “Have to set the record straight. I don’t want her to think that I’m desperate.”

“You are,” Natalie countered. “And that’s okay.”

“This is all your fault. I’m mad at you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Okay,” she rolled her eyes. “Get your shit and go.”

Parvati slipped on her running shoes, grabbed her keys and left Natalie in her apartment without a parting word. Setting out for yet another journey to Amanda’s house, her fourth attempt to convince the taller woman to face her. Parvati had little faith that this trip would end any differently than the last three, but something about Amanda kept her up at night, kept her calling and texting and standing on her doorstep. Something in those hazel eyes, the way they reached deep into her soul and uncovered the secrets hidden deep within. 

She couldn’t even be angry with Natalie, because all her best friend did was tell the truth. Parvati was hopelessly, irretrievably in love with Amanda Kimmel. She had been since early in the game, and she had hoped to tell the younger woman everything after the game was said and done. But fear gripped Parvati tightly in its vice grip, keeping her silent until the reunion, and then it was too late. 

Parvati pulled into the driveway once again, this time next to Amanda’s jeep. She took a deep, centering breath, hands white-knuckling the steering wheel.  _ Just go up and knock. It’s not like she’s going to answer.  _

She forced herself to open the door, focusing on placing one foot in front of the other as she approached the bright green door. Finally, Parvati stood square with the heavy oak, knocking sharply thrice. 

“Amanda?” Parvati called. She felt embarrassed, mortified even, for chasing this woman who clearly wanted nothing to do with her. 

“This was stupid,” she mumbled to herself. “I’m so  _ stupid! _ ” Parvati punctuated her words with a bang on the door, loud enough to startle her. 

“Amanda, I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry for everything. I don’t know what I did, I…”

On the other side of the door, Parvati heard shuffling. She stepped over to peer through the window, but she saw nothing. Eyes trained on the floor, Parvati then noticed the translucent cat flap in the door, where she noticed a dark shadow.  _ She’s sitting against the door. She wants to hear what I have to say.  _

Parvati slid down the door to sit on the other side of it. 

“When we burnt down the shelter on Day 39,” she said, “and it was just the two of us, I could feel you looking at me. I looked back at you, and you turned your head and pretended to watch the fire. That’s when I knew.” She drew in a breath. “That’s when I knew I was in love with you.”

“And then Ozzy reamed me out at Final Tribal,” Parvati continued with a chuckle. “It took everything in me not to laugh, ‘cause you told me that morning that you were dreading having to listen to him. He thought he had you, all that time. Little did he know.”

Parvati leaned her head against the door, pulling her knees up to her chest. She could have sworn she heard a sniffle from inside. 

“But then again, all that time I thought  _ I  _ had you, but clearly…” she trailed off. “I don’t know if you’re pissed at me, or if you’re scared, but I’m sorry for not telling you before. And I’m sorry you had to hear it from Nat. I love you, Amanda. And not that fleeting, jungle love.  _ Real  _ love that, no matter how hard I try, just won’t fade.”

The silence which stretched out after her confession began driving Parvati insane, leading her to question if Amanda was even listening.

“You don’t have to talk, but can you just… give me a sign that you’re here?”

Parvati waited, and waited, before she heard a noise. To her left, a hand reached through the cat flap, palm upturned and nails raw and picked at. She hesitated for only a moment before lacing her fingers with Amanda’s, who immediately squeezed tightly, as if to respond wordlessly to Parvati’s confession. 

For the first time since the reunion, sitting against the door, holding hands with Amanda through a catflap, Parvati felt at peace. 

***

“We are so late,” Natalie observed from the passenger seat. 

“I know,” Parvati huffs, hands flexing and gripping the wheel of her Audi convertible. “She’s gonna be pissed at me. I’ll have to tell her it was  _ your  _ fault!”

“I had to fix my hair after  _ you  _ spilled beer in it last night!” Natalie shouts back. “Whatever, we’ll both face her. It’s okay, it’s only eight-twenty.”

Parvati drew in a large breath. Showing up twenty minutes late to her girlfriend’s birthday party wasn’t a good look, and considering how long it took to convince Amanda to talk to her, Parvati was not keen on making her upset so soon. She stayed silent for the last few minutes of the drive, eventually parking five blocks from Amanda’s house in a less-than-spacious parking spot.

The clicking of heels echoes in Parvati’s mind as she and Natalie strutted down the sidewalk and turned into Amanda’s driveway. 

They strode up to the door, loud music bleeding through from inside, and Parvati finally stopped short, jittery with anxious energy.

“Do I look okay?” Parvati asked nervously, pulling at the hem of her emerald green bodycon dress. 

“Bitch, you look amazing. Don’t even start with me, let’s go,” Natalie said forcefully before banging on the door.

“Oh, yay!” A voice called from inside, making Parvati smile.  _ She’s already drunk. _ Stumbling footsteps approached the front door before it swung open, revealing the birthday girl in the flesh. 

“Oh, baby, you made it,” Amanda drawled, eyes raking shamelessly up and down Parvati’s body, before the taller woman draped her arms around her girlfriend’s shoulders. 

“Happy Birthday, AK.” Parvati smiled, pushing herself up to connect their lips as her hands came to settle on Amanda’s hips, pinching lightly at the fabric of her dress. Amanda’s mouth tasted like mint and vodka, an intoxicating combination that Parvati never wanted to stop tasting. 

“You guys are late,” Amanda pointed out as they slowly abandoned each other’s embrace. Amanda’s eyes shift to Natalie. “Her fault, right?”

“Why do you assume it was my fault?” Parvati whined. 

“Because you take forever to get ready,” Natalie quipped. “And yeah, it was Parv’s fault. Indirectly, I guess.”

Amanda stepped aside and let the two women in, where at least three dozen people collected throughout the living room, kitchen and back patio. 

“I’m gonna get a drink,” Natalie announced and made a beeline for the kitchen.

Parvati felt a hand on her wrist, turning her around and putting her face to face with Amanda, who was clad in a tight black dress and heels that put her at least a foot above Parvati. 

“I’m sorry for being late,” Parvati apologized, growing hot under Amanda’s observing gaze. “I was waiting for Nat to finish her blowout, which took  _ forever _ and then I couldn’t park-”

“Shh, it’s okay,” Amanda said sweetly, tracing her fingers up and down Parvati’s torso, driving the older woman insane. “I’m just glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” Parvati said, gracefully sidling up to her girlfriend and leaving kisses along her collarbone. “I forgot your gift, too. Worst girlfriend ever.”

“Hey, don’t say that.” Amanda backed up to look Parvati in the eye.

And then, words Parvati never thought she’d hear. 

“I love you,” Amanda said confidently, “and that’s the only gift I need.” 

  
  



End file.
